Whoa-man: An Open Letter to James Bond and MI6

From Honey Boo Boo to the House of Commons, Whoa-man explores pop culture and politics from a woman’s perspective. Hey, there’s at least half of us — am I right, ladies?

Hi! It’s Amil here, just watched Skyfall and had a couple of questions regarding your corporate structure and environment. When you have a minute, could you please answer the following?

1.) When spies run over normal people’s cars or derail a commuter train or crush a large shipment of Volkswagens – whose insurance covers that? Like, if I was driving to work and someone from MI6 slams into my car because they haven’t figured out how to execute a simple task, do they leave a note with their contact info so that I can file my claim without hassle? Is third-party damage covered by my taxes? Will you send me a rental car or should I make the arrangements myself and you’ll just reimburse me? What if debris from an explosion shatters my window or takes out my eye? I just want to know who to follow-up with about loss forms.

2.) It seems like everyone in the spy game is very strict about following rules but like, is there no dress code at headquarters? I don’t think it’s very efficient to fight terrorism in five inch heels or a tuxedo.

3.) Did any of you take a Respect in the Workplace course because nowadays sexual harassment is a pretty serious deal that should always be communicated to Human Resources and documented clearly so that investigators have a paper trail to follow-up on. Hear that Ms. Moneypenny? It’s not your fault and it’s not okay.

4.) How much money do you guys make? Just out of curiousity, not to be rude or whatever, but it seems like you have a lot of disposable income for government employees. Again, is that something that comes out of taxes or . . . ?

5.) When do you guys eat? I never see you eat. Don’t you get hungry? Here at my work things can get pretty hectic too but I at least try to take some time to walk over to It’z a Wrap for a takeaway salad or weather permitting, Soup Nutsy.

6.) Should spies really be giving their real name to bad guys so much? At this point can you even call James Bond a “spy”? It seems like everybody knows exactly who he is because he keeps telling them his full name and then he even repeats it. I mean he might as well say, “Spy, I’m a Spy.”

7.) Your intranet doesn’t seem very secure — have you run the latest Norton antivirus update?

8.) I realize this is none of my business, but do you ever talk to your employees about substance abuse and addiction? Did you know that untreated alcoholism costs the U.S. $400 billion per year? Also, while global HIV rates are on the decline, those stats are quite the opposite in developing regions, particularly those ravaged by war and terror. Does James Bond even use a condom?!?!?

9.) When you check into a hotel, do you check in as James Bond because again I mean, doesn’t that just defeat the whole purpose?

10.) What’s going to happen with Javier Bardem’s weird island now that he’s . . . you know? Just wondering if that goes on the market now? Is it something the public will be allowed access to? Have you ever seen Storage Wars? Do international terrorists have abandoned storage lockers that get auctioned off? That seems like a great revenue-generator and cost-savings scheme your organization should look into because I really feel strongly that the Jags and luxury Cadillacs are a bit gauche in these economically trying times.

THANKS!!!!  Can’t wait to hear from you!!



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Amil Niazi is a writer, producer, dreamer and schemer currently based in Toronto. Laugh with her on Tumblr and get to know her on Twitter.