Within the taxonomy of modern Canadian bachelorhood, there are two major subsets of unattached men: the confirmed and the terminal. For the former, bachelorhood is a lifestyle choice. Without a spouse or offspring, the confirmed bachelor is free to live life as he chooses. These types are usually moneyed and urbane, have “careers” rather than jobs and enjoy spending their free time watching Criterion blu-rays and waxing their car.
But for the terminal cases, bachelorhood is symptomatic of one’s lifestyle, rather than a conscious choice. The terminal bachelor does not binge on Skyrim and 7-11 taquitos at all hours of the night because he genuinely enjoys it, but rather because his life is little more than a never-ending shame spiral of bad habits and poor hygiene.
Due to a number of complex macroeconomic trends, the terminal bachelor’s numbers have spiked over recent years. They’re everywhere these days. Lurking in our gastropubs, napping in our laundromats, and hovering around the sample tables at our local supermarkets.
The only real utility these poor sods have is to serve as fodder for bitter middle-aged newspaper columnists. And while they’re always good for a proper piss-up, terminal bachelors are ultimately a liability and should be kept at arms-length given their tendency to mooch and general air of hangover and depression.
Too old to be considered children by any reasonable parent and too spiritually repellent to be anyone’s significant other, terminal bachelors present a dilemma for holiday gift-givers. Odds are you have one in your life whom you were planning on getting a gift for, but have left it to the last minute because the very thought of them leaves you feeling dirty.
So what do you get them? They aren’t really worth a proper gift, but they also require constant positive reinforcement or they’ll end up losing their job and living on your couch.
The solution: stocking stuffer therapy. Small, reasonably priced gifts that will help them help themselves.
Terminal types are easily frustrated and will often give up on any routine activity if it presents even the most modest of challenges. Sadly, shaving a few times a week is one such challenge, and once they’ve given up on that they’re just a couple all-nighters from getting hit by a car and ending up in the gutter.
So forget the discount pack of off-brand Chinese razors that you we’re planning on getting your muff-faced friend this Christmas, and splurge on something with a minimum of four blades. He may cut himself badly and end up in the hospital, but he’s got to learn somehow.
A Bow Tie
What your bachelor needs more than anything is to become moderately presentable to the female sex. To do this properly it would take years of therapy, but for a quick fix that costs under $100, just get him a bow tie. Now, there’s a thin line between “rejected Chippendales understudy” and “oh, he looks civilized.” So it can’t be any bow tie, and it definitely can’t be a clip-on.
Based in Vancouver, Exhibit B makes elegant, one-of-a-kind bow ties that could turn even the most wretched of louts into a gentleman, if only for a night.
If worn properly (i.e. with an ironed shirt and not a bongwater-stained hoodie), these bow ties will provide your bachelor with an ace up his sleeve. Regardless of his painfully obvious character flaws, he’ll be equipped with a charming icebreaker for every girl he meets — something to talk about that doesn’t involve Reddit or the NHL lockout.
In the end, a bow tie could be the one thing separating your bachelor from a life of decrepit solitude and a meaningful relationship. Or at the very least, it will help get him laid.
A Decent Glass of Whiskey
Beer is all fine and dandy, but it must not dominate a man’s entire palette.
Most terminal bachelors are either being run out of society or trying to crawl their way back in. Either way, what they require is a strict regimen of character reform, and where better to start than by replacing the drink they’ve just spilled all over themselves with something that requires more attention.
One of the few true and honest Canadian rye whiskeys left, a bottle of 10-year-old Centennial will provide your bachelor with a unique taste experience that will inspire him to slow down and reflect on all of his failed relationships and missed opportunities.
A Beer Koozie
But if the bachelor in question insists on drinking beer exclusively, then he should at least do it with style. A veggie tan leather koozie hand-crafted by Ken Diamond will class up his pilsner and keep his hands warm during these bitter winter months. Plus, the hand-stamped skull logo will serve as a constant reminder of his mortality.
Pneumonia is now one of the leading causes of hospitalization among bachelors who pass out drunk in snowbanks. So for the sake of our socialized health care system, make sure that bastard is properly insulated when he stumbles from party to party this New Year’s Eve.