10 of the Most Dismal Writing Jobs Available Right Now

Dismal Writing Job #1
Description: Most people appreciate healthy white teeth, but if you love them then consider applying for this Editorial Assistant position offered by the Oral Health Group. You’ll be involved with “Canada’s leading dental professional publications: Oral Health, Oral Hygiene, Oral Health Office, Oral Health Labs.” Yes, that’s four different magazines that sound exactly the same. I mean, why subscribe to Oral Hygiene when you’re already way behind on your stack of Oral Health? And can you imagine the horror of pitching a new batch of stories about teeth every month? Obligatory joke: The job is probably less comfortable than a root canal.
Compensation: Unknown. Probably midway between not-bad and half-decent.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #2
Description: This fully realized assclown wants someone to write 20 articles at 500-600 words each for a total of $24.00. That’s 10,000-12,000 words on potentially 20 discrete subjects for what amounts to a few shots of Crown Royal at the bar (cause you’ll need ‘em if hired for this gig). What’s with that? Copied and pasted from the webpage, the headline literally reads, “20 articles for $24 needed regularly,” as though the “ongoing work” aspect were some kind of added perk.
Compensation: $24.00.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #3
Description: On one hand, the weather is something we all have in common, and talking about it with a stranger on the bus or in an elevator can help foster a tender moment of human connection. On the other, using the weather as your default topic for interacting with people can be a huge turnoff. We get it, it’s cold outside. Yes, and never forget to add that wind chill factor — it’s a real game changer, I tells ya. So picture yourself moving to Oakville, Ontario, to write about weather for The Weather Network. On-call, too. The company prides itself on being named one of “Canada’s Top Employers for Young People,” and I guess if you’re into meteorology and astrology and whatnot then this might be the job for you, but I can’t look at the words “Create daily weather stories” without feeling a poignant sense of dread.
Compensation: No forecast given.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #4
Description: As implied in the title of that classic TV show, the adolescent years are full of wonder. Feelings are felt and experiences are experienced for the first time. Indeed, teenagers as a subculture are fascinating to study in the anthropological sense. But this Montreal-based writing job is probably not that. No, this emerging website requires contributors to write about “fashion, shoes, hair, makeup, events, brainiacs, gadgets, food and your space.” That’s right, even brainiacs.
Compensation: Based on experience.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #5
Description: Do you and your buddies like talking hoops? Do you ever notice, when explaining how the plethora of video highlights of Blake Griffin dunking on NBA.com might slowly erode the importance of practicing the fundamentals for young, impressionable viewers, that everyone stops what they’re saying to listen? If this sounds like you, consider applying to be a freelance NBA writer for Yahoo! Sports. It’s a big-name website, and you can work from your toilet, if you want. The downside? Despite its exclamation mark, Yahoo! only pays $1.10 per every 1,000 pageviews. So if your insightful story on Blake Griffin manages to receive 20,000 hits, you’ll still be making less than what that 20-articles-for-$24 guy offers. And who’s going to read an article on Blake Griffin when there’s so many videos of him dunking to watch?
Compensation: $1.10 per every 1,000 pageviews.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #6
Description: If you live in the Vancouver area, enjoy the real estate industry and are only available to write one or two days per week, here’s something suitable: “Write addresses on envelopes. Stamp mail.” All the materials are provided, though.
Compensation: “Good pay.”
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #7
Description: “At Husky, our culture is entrepreneurial, fast-paced and never afraid of change. We look for people driven by a desire to contribute, be challenged and grow. Our people make Husky a special company and are a key competitive advantage. At Husky, people have a passion for what they do. From the outset, we look for people with potential, not just to fill a particular position. People who are technically minded, bright and thrive as part of a dynamic team ensure we keep our customers in the lead.” Sounds like a pretty impressive place to work, right? I mean, they seem to be just gushing with positivity. And check this out: “We offer a large, beautiful campus environment that includes: a fitness and wellness center; intramural sport activities and manufacturing facilities that are modern and clean with outstanding safety records.” I wanna play intramural sports during lunch break! So what’s the writer’s responsiblity? What’s the job involve? It’s a Technical Writer position, so what’s the subject matter? “Husky Injection Molding Systems Ltd. is the world’s largest brand name supplier of injection molding equipment and services to the plastics industry.” Oh.
Compensation: Very competitive.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #8
Description: A dating agency in Toronto is seeking a romantic writer to compose “profiles as well as some letters of correspondence for our mostly male members.” Could be interesting, until your partner/spouse/child/landlord discovers you’ve been writing sweet nothings to a bunch of anonymous, online avatars all day long.
Compensation: To be discussed.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #9
Description: This guy needs someone to quickly “read and fix grammer mistakes, choices of word and more mistakes in a given text file.” Judging by that sentence, the nearly 3,000-word document will be a long 3,000 words worth of proofreading. The solicitor also has a special request: “Please Write in the first line the phrase ‘midnight run’. it will help me filter those that didn’t read the description.”
Compensation: $8.00.
All those interested should apply here.

Dismal Writing Job #10
Description: The compensation for this 3,000-words-a-day gig on various topics is between $.50 to $1.00 for 100 words. That means you’re getting paid between $0.005 to $0.01 per word. Don’t you have something better to do?
Compensation: Between $.50 to $1.00 per 100 words.
All those interested should apply here.

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Paul Hiebert is the Editor-in-Chief of Ballast.