1. “Finally!”
2. “I once went to this wedding where _____. It was the worst! But don’t worry — I’m sure yours will be perfect.”
- the bride kept everyone waiting for an hour before the ceremony started, just because she could
- the flowers didn’t match the dresses at all
- the ring bearer was a cat
- someone objected, like, you know, as a joke, at the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part
- the reception was outside and everyone got bitten by fire ants
- the caterer left the shrimp salad in the sun and everyone got food poisoning
- they didn’t even do the garter toss
- the bride was seven months pregnant
- everyone was expected to give a toast
- the groom got so drunk I know he couldn’t have consummated the marriage
3. “Oh my God — are you on Pinterest?”
4. “For colours, I heard _____ is really in this year.”
- mint
- tangerine
- wasabi
- coral
- brown
- cranberry
- champagne
- bold pink
- turquoise
- wine
- gray
5. “So soon?!”
6.“Let me see the ring!” [Pause.] “Oh, it’s so… _____!”
- pretty
- classic
- antique-looking
- special
- cute
- delicate
- unique
- you — nothing too flashy
7. “My cousin got married last summer, and she had _____. It was sooooooo cute!”
- balloon-gram save-the-dates
- cupcakes instead of cake
- mason jar champagne glasses
- paper lanterns
- her initials on the bottom of her shoes
- different baby pictures of the bride and groom at each table
- the bridesmaids do a choreographed dance to “All the Single Ladies”
- the groom serenade her from the choir loft
- a group photo with all the guests in hipster glasses
8. “Are you dieting?”
9. “My brother knows a guy who might be able to get you a good deal on _____.”
- booze
- engagement photos
- peonies
- organza
- birdseed
- Porta-Potties
10. “Have you planned the honeymoon yet? You really should consider _____.”
- a cruise
- Budapest
- waiting until summer
- laser hair removal
11. “You can get some really good ideas on Etsy, you know.”
12. “I trust you’ve already found a _____. These folks get booked years in advance.”
- wedding planner
- photographer
- florist
- caterer
- videographer
- hairstylist
- limo driver
- rabbi
- flower girl
13. “And you’ll have _____, of course.”
- an eight-hour open bar
- a videographer
- a party bus to take the guests back to the hotel
- a fondue station
- signature cocktails
- a DJ
- a sweetheart neckline
- Chiavari chairs
- a first-look photo session
- gluten-free entrée options
- a spray tan
14. “You know, for her wedding, my sister made her own _____. You can save a lot of money that way.”
- letter press invitations
- veil
- centerpieces
- jam for favors
- programs
- cake
- bridesmaid dresses
- ring
15. “Call me if you need anything — you’ve got a lot to do, girl!”
* * *
Eileen Reynolds, who is getting married February 9, has written about the arts for publications including The Forward, The Believer and newyorker.com. Her work has also been featured on NPR’s All Things Considered. Follow her on Twitter @eileenybean.
Photo credit: photographyschoolsonline.net